The creator of despair and darkness

It's her birthday today, so it's pretty fun. First time chatting with her over sms for such a long period of time. Thereotically speaking, I should feel very very happy, and I do,I felt happy. But it came a point in time, that I felt tired. Felt tired because I was constantly thinking of ways,of lines to talk with her. Every line was planned, because I didnt want things to screw up. I should worry for myself. The preparation I undergo to engage her in talks is one unifying force;I can concentrate. But when the real talk begins,the conversation drains me quickly. Cannot for the time being,engage her on a deeper level of chats,so that's what drains me. Goodluck to her, and to me.

A little time to spend it here I think... Exams are over, and haven't been feeling much better(feels worse now perhaps). Just wanna post something here that I read(and edited a little of course) 在我们那些美好的时光，曾有过的平衡被打乱了；而我，孤零零地在一只秤盘里，仿佛在往下沉；往下沉，因为你在远方。 Been sinking in,sinking in so deeply, that I am starting to love the mud,the sand, the water. The feeling.

Was actually back from china a few days ago, but didnt have the time and mood to make some post. Quite fun for the trip this time round, with mr ho and mdm jiang. Rode a camel ^^. A friend of mine asked me a question: whether a person has the capacity to fall in love with 2 persons at once. I said yes. Well I think we can certainly love more than 2 persons at once. Why not? Our parents already makes 2. Plus a whole lot of other family members. Wouldn't be surprising if we loved (as in attracted to) 2 people. My relationship with a particular person started to get rather complicated. Was probably the only person whom I revealed the weak side of myself in the recent months. Not that I "fell in love" with her or something, but certainly could feel a weird attraction. Well, I will treat her as a close friend, maybe even as a little sister. Been reading "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakami and kafka's diaries and letters (chinese translation). The feel...

收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 愛猜到沒有 愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你開心就夠 這種感覺太親厚 講一千句也不夠 假使講了你聽到後 或會走 這種戀愛太罕有 不須真正擁有 成全 衷心祝福然後 就放手 放手 放開所有 彼此更自由 放手 其實我絕非愛得不夠 放手 豁出所有 還有這個好友 已經 已經足夠 遙遠是宇宙 靜靜在背後 去看守就夠 這種感覺太親厚 講一千句也不夠 即使一剎有過衝動 挽你手 這種戀愛太罕有 不須真正擁有 成全 多捨不得仍然 是放手 放手 放開所有 彼此更自由 放手 其實我絕非愛得不夠 放手 豁出所有 還有這個好友 已經 已經足夠 放手 我的牽掛 找不到盡頭 放手 期望你幸福甚麼都有 也許 愛很深厚 然而我早看得透 放手 至可擁有

And so my bio test was done today. Been really busy these few weeks, practising for SYF,chionging PI,doing csc essays,revising for tests.... Saw her yesterday at some event. A little weird feeling yesterday, I was pretty much spending a lot of time trying to avoid her. But I wanted to talk to her too. A little regret and feeling down now... Pulled myself out of the mess I was in for my studies last year,everything seems more fine now. Pretty much because I had mugger classmates too. Will be going to china again in the june hols. Not looking forward to it,really. I'm still a slave of my own passions. Cannot get out of this vicious cycle. Wanted to break down in tears in front of my friends. They always dry up before being seen. Fortunately or unfortunately. I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind All of these voices I hear in my mind All of these words I hear in my mind All of these music And it breaks my heart It breaks my heart

我的心有一个缺口 藏在没人知的角落 又是我痛得想狂吼 有时也有脆弱的时候 我的心有一个缺口 从不轻易向人透露 只有在月圆的时候 才让不羁的情绪出走 我以为没人能把我看透 却逃不过你锐利的眼眸 我不想让你看穿我的忧愁 我不能让你触动我的伤口 我真的想逃走 你的眼神却紧紧相扣 我的心在颤抖 你在步步追踪 我从黑夜逃到白昼 就在月圆的时候 你把我逼上高楼 投降在你设下的阴谋 逼我做个生死搏斗

I'm waiting for a train. A train that will take me far away. I know where I hope this train will take me, But I don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to me where the train will take me? Because I am the train. Immovable.