The creator of despair and darkness

Been through the promos, been through the camp. It looks as though I became one of them, waiting for results, waiting. Why do we have to start again so soon after a long worn-out period, when we are always waiting. Sometimes I do not really agree with what some expect of males. Especially those who think males should be of a certain mould, a certain build. I know males have their responsibility, but they are not machines either. Macho, gungho, dare to speak up, pride. It seems all too barbaric to me. There are actually so many grey areas that in order to feel part of something,we divide into black and white, hoping to be part of something special. We are not. 待歇息，收拾旧残局。

It is at this time of the day that I frolick in the bottomless despair. I would like to say sorry to those whom I have shown the other side. Yes you. If you think you are the one. If you ever read this post. I know I have been mentally and emotionally abusing and using you,as a pillar. In my waves I hope you stay strong. I have no intention to destroy you, for your existence is crucial to mine. Please don't feel offended. I speak my mind, only to you and you people. If you guys shut away, then probably I would explode. Been drifting away from those that seem close to me. Because of my intervention,my utter disgust at them and myself for feeling that way. WHY DO YOU GUYS CONTINUE PISS ME OFF. WHY PRECISELY YOU GUYS. I need a distance so that I can get rid of nausea. It's just me. She has been drifting away too. Saw her having a new "brother". This jealously, this uncertainty irks me. I know I think too much but I can't help thinking that way. But rest ass...

It's August already. And I am still feeling worse by the minute. Life has become so unbearable for me....that I weep in silence every night and day/without the tears. I am experiencing Weakness. Physically, mentally,whatever one can think of to describe, it will be irrepressibly linked back to "Weakness". I feel weak even thinking about this Weakness. I feel despair when the Weakness impedes me to achieving what I want. If only I could have some willpower. Darkness overwhelms me when the thought, the mere thought of the Weakness will bring me even more pain on my journey. Like a speck of sand blown around in vast deserts. Unforgivable, but can anyone please forgive me? Not just a mere plea, but a unwavering holler. Why do I open my eyes to see Weakness impeding solutions for Weakness. Vicious cycle. Of course the Weakness is the key for not ending my life of Weakness. Ironic. If I only had a little more willpower, I would end it swiftly. Crushing Weakness, frail strength....

It's her birthday today, so it's pretty fun. First time chatting with her over sms for such a long period of time. Thereotically speaking, I should feel very very happy, and I do,I felt happy. But it came a point in time, that I felt tired. Felt tired because I was constantly thinking of ways,of lines to talk with her. Every line was planned, because I didnt want things to screw up. I should worry for myself. The preparation I undergo to engage her in talks is one unifying force;I can concentrate. But when the real talk begins,the conversation drains me quickly. Cannot for the time being,engage her on a deeper level of chats,so that's what drains me. Goodluck to her, and to me.

A little time to spend it here I think... Exams are over, and haven't been feeling much better(feels worse now perhaps). Just wanna post something here that I read(and edited a little of course) 在我们那些美好的时光，曾有过的平衡被打乱了；而我，孤零零地在一只秤盘里，仿佛在往下沉；往下沉，因为你在远方。 Been sinking in,sinking in so deeply, that I am starting to love the mud,the sand, the water. The feeling.

Was actually back from china a few days ago, but didnt have the time and mood to make some post. Quite fun for the trip this time round, with mr ho and mdm jiang. Rode a camel ^^. A friend of mine asked me a question: whether a person has the capacity to fall in love with 2 persons at once. I said yes. Well I think we can certainly love more than 2 persons at once. Why not? Our parents already makes 2. Plus a whole lot of other family members. Wouldn't be surprising if we loved (as in attracted to) 2 people. My relationship with a particular person started to get rather complicated. Was probably the only person whom I revealed the weak side of myself in the recent months. Not that I "fell in love" with her or something, but certainly could feel a weird attraction. Well, I will treat her as a close friend, maybe even as a little sister. Been reading "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakami and kafka's diaries and letters (chinese translation). The feel...

收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 愛猜到沒有 愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你開心就夠 這種感覺太親厚 講一千句也不夠 假使講了你聽到後 或會走 這種戀愛太罕有 不須真正擁有 成全 衷心祝福然後 就放手 放手 放開所有 彼此更自由 放手 其實我絕非愛得不夠 放手 豁出所有 還有這個好友 已經 已經足夠 遙遠是宇宙 靜靜在背後 去看守就夠 這種感覺太親厚 講一千句也不夠 即使一剎有過衝動 挽你手 這種戀愛太罕有 不須真正擁有 成全 多捨不得仍然 是放手 放手 放開所有 彼此更自由 放手 其實我絕非愛得不夠 放手 豁出所有 還有這個好友 已經 已經足夠 放手 我的牽掛 找不到盡頭 放手 期望你幸福甚麼都有 也許 愛很深厚 然而我早看得透 放手 至可擁有