The creator of despair and darkness

So it's the end of 2011 today. Such a "historic" moment for my blog as this is the 100th post. It's been long. The U.S trip was...not as fun as I would expect but oh well, guess I'm not suited for travelling about. Christmas period was fun but the day itself was not. The year was okay. For someone who pretty much rebooted at the start of this year, I guess I cant ask for more. Goodluck to everyone and me in 2012.

Yesterday had fun at jw's house celebrating meiyu's birthday, with cheesecakes and mahjong (weird combi eh?) The rain has been on for a few long weeks now, pretty cooling, but cant really go out. When the holidays hit, I feel relaxed like everyone else. Maybe just too relaxed. Why did I say this post was almost milestone? I am just 1 more post away from reaching the 100th. Pretty interesting to see something so old to go on. No ideas lately to start writing, but I was pretty satisfied with my part of writing the script for xueyi. Hope xueyi can really go on as planned. Finished a new book titled "The darkroom of Damocles" by W.F Hermans. It's translated from Dutch. I'll like to share a poem here by Tomas Transtromer (Nobel Prize for Literature 2011) Prelude Waking up is a parachute jump from dreams. Free of the suffocating turbulence the traveller sinks towards the green zone of the morning. Things flare up. From the viewpoint of the quivering lark he is aware...

Been rather busy with PW , so much work to do. Starting to plan for Xmas stuff too. Hope I can make a nice present though. Feeling rather okay these days, no deep areas....for now. One must admit that people are busy too. No time for deeper chats, just asking for the sake of asking sometimes. Cant really strike up a conversation with them too. Finally finished Kafka on the Shore by Murakami. Quite touching and intriguing, but a little draggy at times. Now the U.S is snowing already, should be quite cold. But I am more concerned about U.K weather since she is going soon....

Been through the promos, been through the camp. It looks as though I became one of them, waiting for results, waiting. Why do we have to start again so soon after a long worn-out period, when we are always waiting. Sometimes I do not really agree with what some expect of males. Especially those who think males should be of a certain mould, a certain build. I know males have their responsibility, but they are not machines either. Macho, gungho, dare to speak up, pride. It seems all too barbaric to me. There are actually so many grey areas that in order to feel part of something,we divide into black and white, hoping to be part of something special. We are not. 待歇息，收拾旧残局。

It is at this time of the day that I frolick in the bottomless despair. I would like to say sorry to those whom I have shown the other side. Yes you. If you think you are the one. If you ever read this post. I know I have been mentally and emotionally abusing and using you,as a pillar. In my waves I hope you stay strong. I have no intention to destroy you, for your existence is crucial to mine. Please don't feel offended. I speak my mind, only to you and you people. If you guys shut away, then probably I would explode. Been drifting away from those that seem close to me. Because of my intervention,my utter disgust at them and myself for feeling that way. WHY DO YOU GUYS CONTINUE PISS ME OFF. WHY PRECISELY YOU GUYS. I need a distance so that I can get rid of nausea. It's just me. She has been drifting away too. Saw her having a new "brother". This jealously, this uncertainty irks me. I know I think too much but I can't help thinking that way. But rest ass...

It's August already. And I am still feeling worse by the minute. Life has become so unbearable for me....that I weep in silence every night and day/without the tears. I am experiencing Weakness. Physically, mentally,whatever one can think of to describe, it will be irrepressibly linked back to "Weakness". I feel weak even thinking about this Weakness. I feel despair when the Weakness impedes me to achieving what I want. If only I could have some willpower. Darkness overwhelms me when the thought, the mere thought of the Weakness will bring me even more pain on my journey. Like a speck of sand blown around in vast deserts. Unforgivable, but can anyone please forgive me? Not just a mere plea, but a unwavering holler. Why do I open my eyes to see Weakness impeding solutions for Weakness. Vicious cycle. Of course the Weakness is the key for not ending my life of Weakness. Ironic. If I only had a little more willpower, I would end it swiftly. Crushing Weakness, frail strength....

It's her birthday today, so it's pretty fun. First time chatting with her over sms for such a long period of time. Thereotically speaking, I should feel very very happy, and I do,I felt happy. But it came a point in time, that I felt tired. Felt tired because I was constantly thinking of ways,of lines to talk with her. Every line was planned, because I didnt want things to screw up. I should worry for myself. The preparation I undergo to engage her in talks is one unifying force;I can concentrate. But when the real talk begins,the conversation drains me quickly. Cannot for the time being,engage her on a deeper level of chats,so that's what drains me. Goodluck to her, and to me.