The creator of despair and darkness

So it's the end of 2011 today. Such a "historic" moment for my blog as this is the 100th post. It's been long. The U.S trip was...not as fun as I would expect but oh well, guess I'm not suited for travelling about. Christmas period was fun but the day itself was not. The year was okay. For someone who pretty much rebooted at the start of this year, I guess I cant ask for more. Goodluck to everyone and me in 2012.

Yesterday had fun at jw's house celebrating meiyu's birthday, with cheesecakes and mahjong (weird combi eh?) The rain has been on for a few long weeks now, pretty cooling, but cant really go out. When the holidays hit, I feel relaxed like everyone else. Maybe just too relaxed. Why did I say this post was almost milestone? I am just 1 more post away from reaching the 100th. Pretty interesting to see something so old to go on. No ideas lately to start writing, but I was pretty satisfied with my part of writing the script for xueyi. Hope xueyi can really go on as planned. Finished a new book titled "The darkroom of Damocles" by W.F Hermans. It's translated from Dutch. I'll like to share a poem here by Tomas Transtromer (Nobel Prize for Literature 2011) Prelude Waking up is a parachute jump from dreams. Free of the suffocating turbulence the traveller sinks towards the green zone of the morning. Things flare up. From the viewpoint of the quivering lark he is aware...

Been rather busy with PW , so much work to do. Starting to plan for Xmas stuff too. Hope I can make a nice present though. Feeling rather okay these days, no deep areas....for now. One must admit that people are busy too. No time for deeper chats, just asking for the sake of asking sometimes. Cant really strike up a conversation with them too. Finally finished Kafka on the Shore by Murakami. Quite touching and intriguing, but a little draggy at times. Now the U.S is snowing already, should be quite cold. But I am more concerned about U.K weather since she is going soon....

Been through the promos, been through the camp. It looks as though I became one of them, waiting for results, waiting. Why do we have to start again so soon after a long worn-out period, when we are always waiting. Sometimes I do not really agree with what some expect of males. Especially those who think males should be of a certain mould, a certain build. I know males have their responsibility, but they are not machines either. Macho, gungho, dare to speak up, pride. It seems all too barbaric to me. There are actually so many grey areas that in order to feel part of something,we divide into black and white, hoping to be part of something special. We are not. 待歇息，收拾旧残局。

It is at this time of the day that I frolick in the bottomless despair. I would like to say sorry to those whom I have shown the other side. Yes you. If you think you are the one. If you ever read this post. I know I have been mentally and emotionally abusing and using you,as a pillar. In my waves I hope you stay strong. I have no intention to destroy you, for your existence is crucial to mine. Please don't feel offended. I speak my mind, only to you and you people. If you guys shut away, then probably I would explode. Been drifting away from those that seem close to me. Because of my intervention,my utter disgust at them and myself for feeling that way. WHY DO YOU GUYS CONTINUE PISS ME OFF. WHY PRECISELY YOU GUYS. I need a distance so that I can get rid of nausea. It's just me. She has been drifting away too. Saw her having a new "brother". This jealously, this uncertainty irks me. I know I think too much but I can't help thinking that way. But rest ass...

It's August already. And I am still feeling worse by the minute. Life has become so unbearable for me....that I weep in silence every night and day/without the tears. I am experiencing Weakness. Physically, mentally,whatever one can think of to describe, it will be irrepressibly linked back to "Weakness". I feel weak even thinking about this Weakness. I feel despair when the Weakness impedes me to achieving what I want. If only I could have some willpower. Darkness overwhelms me when the thought, the mere thought of the Weakness will bring me even more pain on my journey. Like a speck of sand blown around in vast deserts. Unforgivable, but can anyone please forgive me? Not just a mere plea, but a unwavering holler. Why do I open my eyes to see Weakness impeding solutions for Weakness. Vicious cycle. Of course the Weakness is the key for not ending my life of Weakness. Ironic. If I only had a little more willpower, I would end it swiftly. Crushing Weakness, frail strength....

It's her birthday today, so it's pretty fun. First time chatting with her over sms for such a long period of time. Thereotically speaking, I should feel very very happy, and I do,I felt happy. But it came a point in time, that I felt tired. Felt tired because I was constantly thinking of ways,of lines to talk with her. Every line was planned, because I didnt want things to screw up. I should worry for myself. The preparation I undergo to engage her in talks is one unifying force;I can concentrate. But when the real talk begins,the conversation drains me quickly. Cannot for the time being,engage her on a deeper level of chats,so that's what drains me. Goodluck to her, and to me.

A little time to spend it here I think... Exams are over, and haven't been feeling much better(feels worse now perhaps). Just wanna post something here that I read(and edited a little of course) 在我们那些美好的时光，曾有过的平衡被打乱了；而我，孤零零地在一只秤盘里，仿佛在往下沉；往下沉，因为你在远方。 Been sinking in,sinking in so deeply, that I am starting to love the mud,the sand, the water. The feeling.

Was actually back from china a few days ago, but didnt have the time and mood to make some post. Quite fun for the trip this time round, with mr ho and mdm jiang. Rode a camel ^^. A friend of mine asked me a question: whether a person has the capacity to fall in love with 2 persons at once. I said yes. Well I think we can certainly love more than 2 persons at once. Why not? Our parents already makes 2. Plus a whole lot of other family members. Wouldn't be surprising if we loved (as in attracted to) 2 people. My relationship with a particular person started to get rather complicated. Was probably the only person whom I revealed the weak side of myself in the recent months. Not that I "fell in love" with her or something, but certainly could feel a weird attraction. Well, I will treat her as a close friend, maybe even as a little sister. Been reading "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakami and kafka's diaries and letters (chinese translation). The feel...

收藏在眼眸 常徘徊左右 愛猜到沒有 愉快玩笑後 能全然退後 你開心就夠 這種感覺太親厚 講一千句也不夠 假使講了你聽到後 或會走 這種戀愛太罕有 不須真正擁有 成全 衷心祝福然後 就放手 放手 放開所有 彼此更自由 放手 其實我絕非愛得不夠 放手 豁出所有 還有這個好友 已經 已經足夠 遙遠是宇宙 靜靜在背後 去看守就夠 這種感覺太親厚 講一千句也不夠 即使一剎有過衝動 挽你手 這種戀愛太罕有 不須真正擁有 成全 多捨不得仍然 是放手 放手 放開所有 彼此更自由 放手 其實我絕非愛得不夠 放手 豁出所有 還有這個好友 已經 已經足夠 放手 我的牽掛 找不到盡頭 放手 期望你幸福甚麼都有 也許 愛很深厚 然而我早看得透 放手 至可擁有

And so my bio test was done today. Been really busy these few weeks, practising for SYF,chionging PI,doing csc essays,revising for tests.... Saw her yesterday at some event. A little weird feeling yesterday, I was pretty much spending a lot of time trying to avoid her. But I wanted to talk to her too. A little regret and feeling down now... Pulled myself out of the mess I was in for my studies last year,everything seems more fine now. Pretty much because I had mugger classmates too. Will be going to china again in the june hols. Not looking forward to it,really. I'm still a slave of my own passions. Cannot get out of this vicious cycle. Wanted to break down in tears in front of my friends. They always dry up before being seen. Fortunately or unfortunately. I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind All of these voices I hear in my mind All of these words I hear in my mind All of these music And it breaks my heart It breaks my heart

我的心有一个缺口 藏在没人知的角落 又是我痛得想狂吼 有时也有脆弱的时候 我的心有一个缺口 从不轻易向人透露 只有在月圆的时候 才让不羁的情绪出走 我以为没人能把我看透 却逃不过你锐利的眼眸 我不想让你看穿我的忧愁 我不能让你触动我的伤口 我真的想逃走 你的眼神却紧紧相扣 我的心在颤抖 你在步步追踪 我从黑夜逃到白昼 就在月圆的时候 你把我逼上高楼 投降在你设下的阴谋 逼我做个生死搏斗

I'm waiting for a train. A train that will take me far away. I know where I hope this train will take me, But I don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to me where the train will take me? Because I am the train. Immovable.

As I watched people going full steam ahead, I looked under my wheels. I started to consider my tracks. Broke them down. Scruntinised every inch of them. I changed them. Started to build new roads for myself. As I began, they left me Further and further Till they became a point. A mere point. I wondered to myself, Will I ever reach them again? I turned void inside out. Crushing.

Yesterday was the bicultural symposium 2011. Pretty boring symposium,with so little people this year. With that super warm blazer around too. I admit I wasn't concentrating most of the time, only wanted to meet her. Now the symposium is over, I'm feeling a bit down. Maybe yesterday was the final time I could see her ,since that should be the last symposium that we are attending. There's a minute possiblity that I can see her again through stuff like bicul talks or something. but well....not very possible. To you, and the people that might be reading this, I shall post some short lines in chinese. 想要对你说的千言万语 一次恐怕还不够 又怕拉拉杂杂说得太多 害你不知所措 最后只能忍着依依不舍 保持一贯的沉默 （edited from 给你的歌 by 周传雄） Hope to see you again.

Just borrowed this book from JRL. Should be quite interesting, but oh well it's in traditional chinese, so sg peeps like me may have some difficulty reading it. Shall read it slowly and carefully. Maybe I should try to buy it somewhere so I can read in my own free time (since libraries have deadlines...)Hope I can get some inspiration from this book for the upcoming performance in april. (P.S. Sorry if you can't see the image clearly since my blog's background is in black,too)

You are turning into a snake tomorrow. And as you start to devour people, With that mouth that has eaten others, You cry your love to me. And the same as today, I do wonder. Will I be able to say my love to you?

It's not like I have an identity to begin with. Just that I am losing myself so quickly,enough to drive me up the wall. I do not engage in actions anymore,merely feeling forced and separated from the rest of them. I tear my own mask everytime when I am alone. And force myself to mend it everyday. The cracks are already showing. How long can the mask last? Deep inside is a black hole. A gigantic one. Absorbing everything and anything. Soon the collapse upon its own core will happen.

是谁 悄悄敲我窗 豆大的雨滴 滑落触心房 本应多感凄 我只 呆呆待某床 轻轻的风震 飘落在脸庞 只觉非感伤 ---苏进凯